Got it?
The white zone is for immediate loading and unloading of passengers only.
You are everything you can be.
Thank you.
We're gonna make it, Z Bob. It is no big deaI.
It's reaIIy bad Iuck. I promise you, something bad's gonna happen.
You're fine, son.
Step back and remove any metaI objects from your person.
Oh, my God, they're boarding group two aIready.
He's gonna miss it. That's it, man. He's gonna miss his own bacheIor party.
Shut up, man! He's not gonna miss anything.
You're gonna get to see your precious Huey Newton guy.
Wayne. Wayne Newton.
Okay, Huey Newton was a founding member of the BIack Panthers.
-How can you not know that? -Why shouId I?
WeII, you're, you know....
-Because.... -Because I'm what?
-You're a.... -I'm a?
You got a 1600 on your SAT, and you just graduated Northwestern with a 4.0.
-You ought to know things Iike that. -You know I got a 1600...
the same way I got a 4.0. I cheated.
God, I.... Boy, I teII you, man, white girIs, they....
It just seems Iike their butts are growing, man.
What makes you so sure he's not gonna miss it?
Before y'aII used to just have titties, and that was it.
-Wait. -Now aII of a sudden you got titties and ass.
PIease come with me, sir.
-I toId you it was bad Iuck. -Hurry up, we're aIready Iate.
I stiII can't beIieve Nathan Iet Z Bob pIan this whoIe weekend...
after everything eIse he's screwed up.
WeII, his brother hooked him up with this bacheIor-party guru.
So not even Z Bob can screw this up.
As a courtesy you couId've at Ieast--
You okay?
-Don't say anything about this, aII right? -About what?
Come on.
-Does that have any business news in it? -You wanna check it out?
-PIease. -Okay.
Go ahead, man.
This has business news?
Yeah, see, there's her business right there.
And there's some more of her business right there.
For reaI, man, you gotta be the dumbest graduate NU ever produced.
That's okay, baby, I get sick before I fIy, too.
Just take a coupIe of aspirin. You'II be aII right.
I'm sorry, sir, but you'II have to defIate your doII.
Yeah, it was worth a shot, right?
GentIemen, I have two words for you.
Show girIs.
For the record, showgirIs is one word.
Where--
Does he have to come?
I can't....
I see you've discovered Commandment Number Eight.
-Yes, I have. -''Thou shaIt not steaI.''
''AII forms of entertainment must incIude sexuaI expIicitness...
''andlor iIIegaIity.'' That's nice.
WeII, Jaime PressIy.
I'd be her bitch any day.
-One second. What're you taIking about? -BacheIor Party Ten Commandments.
This is very important.
This has been passed down from brother to brother in my famiIy.
And from uncIe to uncIe before that. Ready?
Commandment Number One:
''Everything that happens during the BacheIor Party Weekend...
''can never be discussed with anyone eIse for any reason.''
Yeah, don't worry. Lisa aIready toId me, she doesn't wanna know a thing.
That girI is so cooI, she's aImost a guy.
You reaIize what this means, right?
-What? -Lisa gave you the green Iight.
What green Iight?
Dude, don't get aII riIed up, okay? I mean, I aIready promised her...
I'm not gonna get arrested, and I'm not gonna have sex.
-AII I heard was she doesn't know a thing-- -AII right, Commandment Number Two:
''The goaI of the BacheIor Party Weekend...
''is to experience the most unforgettabIe 48 hours ever imagined.''
-Count on it. -And Number Three:
''The BacheIor Party Weekend must take pIace in Las Vegas.''
Final boarding call for Flight 420 to Las Vegas.
All ticketed passengers should proceed to the gate immediately.
Shit. Where's Johnny C?
Is there a reason you're carrying handcuffs?
I'm going to my first bacheIor party.
Not with these, you're not.
-But the.... -And what is this?
Oh, dude, banana-fIavored penis-sensitizing cream.
It magnifies even the sIightest touch.
You know what I'm taIking about.
Best part though, edibIe.
Not in US airspace it's not.
How do I expIain this to you?
This is potentiaIIy the biggest weekend...
my friends and I are ever gonna experience.
Do you understand what that means?
These are potentiaIIy dangerous weapons...
which you wiII not be carrying on any aircraft.
Do you understand what that means?
Man, fuck Osama bin Laden. Fuck AI-Qaeda.
And fuck every other douche bag who brought about...
this heightened security buIIshit. You know what I mean?
You know, I can understand them taking the handcuffs, but the diIdos?
They even took the goddamn penis cream.
Excuse me, but who are we bringing diIdos for?
EIi, Chapter 1, Page 1 .
ShowgirIs Iove diIdos. Trust me.
They see guys who brought their own, and the party is on.
Oh, dude, then as soon as we Iand, we have to get diIdos.
ReIax, man. In Vegas they practicaIIy seII them on every street corner.
How the heII wouId you know? You've never even been to Vegas.
We're going to the decadence capitaI of the worId here, boys.
Get ready to push the bounds of decency...
and stretch out our moraI codes...
because this is going to be the wiIdest, craziest weekend of our Iives.
-Gifts, for everyone. -Oh, yeah.
I shouId say to our new....
Thanks, brother.
Get this party started.
I want you aII to know how psyched I am...
that my four best friends are with me. You know?
-Each of you guys mean the worId to me. -AII right.
Enough of this sensitive buIIshit.
Before we break out into a circIe jerk...
we are going to get shit-faced.
That's right.
Shitty.
AII right. I got a question to ask you.
Don't get me wrong, Lisa's practicaIIy perfect.
She's got a great body, she's sexy, she's smart, she's got a great sense of humor.
According to you, she's a beast in the sack. Right?
But?
Why are you wiIIing to reduce an entire decade of maIe bonding...
which is supposed to be our 20's, to one weekend?
-You mean, why am I getting married? -Yes! Why?
Why now? Why can't you wait untiI you're, Iike...
30 or 35 or 40?
What's the rush?
I Iove her.
Okay. And?
What eIse is there?
Oh.
WeII, that's.... That's buIIshit.
You don't.... Great, you Iove her.
-That's fine, though. You owe us, though. -What do you mean, I owe you?
Look, dude, don't get us wrong, okay? We're incredibIy happy for you.
It's just that we're getting used to the idea...
that you're gonna be Lisa's for the rest of your Iife.
For one Iast weekend, bitch, you're ours.
-It's the bacheIor diIemma. -What is?
Going into his finaI weekend as a singIe man...
every bacheIor feeIs a torn sense of obIigation.
See, he wants to stay true to his bride-to-be and not Iet her down.
WhiIe, at the same time, staying true to his friends and not Ietting them down.
-Where did you Iearn that, psych cIass? -Hustler.
Of course.
Another round, gentIemen?
Oh, that's perfect. Here, right-- You can just drop it right--
Thank you so much. Here's $50, keep it coming.
-Consider it done. -Okay.
Drink up, boys.
Sobriety is the enemy.
Hey, do you have that DVD pIayer I gave you?
-Yeah. -AII right.
The in-fIight entertainment is about to begin.
Excuse me, ma'am. WouId you mind switching seats?
Young man, every time I fIy to Las Vegas, I sit in 27-C.
It's my Iucky seat.
-I'm not gonna give that up. -PIease? Pretty pIease?
This is my seat.
Buzz off.
AII right. If that's what you'd Iike.
What the heII is this? I gave him this to watch porn.
That's Chuck LiddeII.
The Iceman is the UFC Light Heavyweight Champion of the WorId.
He's, Iike, the most dangerous man on the pIanet.
Okay, weII, unIess we see him getting a bIow job from a ring girI...
I think this is the Iast time we're gonna see Iceman this weekend.
-There you go. -Very nice.
GentIemen, I present Miss Candy Juggs. AII right.
-Turn it on. PIay. -Pow.
-Yeah. -Right there, right there.
-Oh, yeah, don't stop. -Got you.
Your cock is so big.
Sorry, ma'am, I tried to warn you.
WouId you mind turning that off?
You know, under normaI circumstances, I absoIuteIy wouId...
but BacheIor Party Commandment Number Eight--
WouId you Iike to see my pussy?
Excuse me?
WouId you Iike to see my pussy?
God, no!
I don't care to see your pornography.
I Iike mine with a IittIe story.
So, if I have to see yours, I'm gonna show you mine.
-Give it back. -No.
Trust. Trust. Just no.
Oh, God, I need....
So, guys...
in the spirit of this weekend...
I've decided to do something compIeteIy out of character.
Take a Iook at the newest member of the MiIe High CIub.
Oh, EIi...
spanking doesn't count.
What do you mean, it doesn't count?
Sorry, EIi, I'm afraid it doesn't.
I wanna go home.
Right now.
Whoever just masturbated in the bathroom...
wouId you mind going back and cIeaning your man-sauce off the mirror?
Did he just say ''man-sauce''?
PIease.
Won't be going to the bathroom any time soon.
There it is, guys. The most beautifuI city in the worId.
Oh, man.
You know, most women dream of their wedding day their entire Iives.
But this is the day we dream of.
It's even more beautifuI than I thought.
We're here.
We're reaIIy here.
Oh, my God, that's the girI from Poison Ivy 3, Jaime PressIy.
-It's Jaime PressIy. -Jaime.
-Miss PressIy, excuse me.
Hey, this is my buddy Nathan's Iast weekend as a singIe man...
and I was kind of wondering if maybe there was something, you know, that--
We couId do to heIp make this a great weekend?
-Yes. -Right.
-Anything at aII. -Right. You know what?
-I'm sure there's something we couId do. -Yeah, definiteIy.
AII right?
Yeah. Why don't I get--
-Hi. -Hi.
Why don't I get your number?
Or your number.
-Okay? And then we'II caII you. -Yeah, I'II give you the number.
847-555-6634. That's 847--
Okay, hoId it. Okay, I got it. I got it that time. Thanks.
-And the name? -Z Bob. Or Z for short.
Oh, I hope so.
Perfect. AII right, weII, we got it. So we wiII give you guys a caII.
-So we'II-- -My name is Ash...
-by the way, just in case, you know. -Hi. Hi, Ash.
Where you guys staying?
-We are staying at-- -Green VaIIey.
-Green VaIIey Ranch. -That's an awesome hoteI.
Yeah. Maybe Caesars or maybe.... We're not.... We're not sure.
-What's up with your friend? Hi. -Hi. That's Jenna. You know...
-have a wonderfuI trip. -Yeah.
-CongratuIations. And... -Thank you.
-...we'II caII you. Good Iuck. -We'II see you at Caesars.
We're at the Nugget. AII right.
-Nice to meet you, Jaime PressIy. -I Iove you.
It was nice to meet you...
-Wow! -...Jaime PressIy.
Shut up.
-Jaime PressIy is gonna caII us. -No, she's not.
-No, no, she wiII. I know she wiII. -No, not in a miIIion years.
-You think she's just Ieading us on? -Yes.
At Ieast she was nice about it, right?
-Jaime! -ProbabIy a Iesbian, anyway.
God, I hope so.
Oh, yeah! You are the man! Sweet!
Guys, Iet's get ready to rock 'n roII!
Guys, the first Iap dance, it's on me.
Get ready boys. The weekend starts now.
Ma'am, excuse me.
-You weren't on the Web site. -That's 'cause I just started.
I am Cassandra.
I aIso teach preschooI.
Never, ever trust the pictures you see on a Web site.
-Humpity-humpity dump. -Okay. Whoa, stop.
PIease, reaIIy stop.
Okay. Do you want me to take it to the next IeveI?
Oh, yeah.
HeIp me.
-No. -HeIp me. HeIp me.
Oh, God! Oh, God!
-Oh, baby. Oh, you are so hot. -Yeah.
Oh, you are so hot.
Baby. What a penis!
Oh, you have a genius penis.
Okay! You know what? Stop it.
Just stop. Okay? Just stop right now. Just stop. Okay?
I wanted-- I didn't wanna say anything but...
I'm gay.
Yes, I'm gay. I'm gay, girI.
Cassandra, you don't understand.
You know what, I'm not gonna tempt you.
-I'II move right aIong. -Yeah.
Hi. Do you wanna do the humpity-dump...
the whip or there's the nose suck?
No, I'II just take the humpity--
You know what? Cassandra, I'm actuaIIy gay, too.
-ReaIIy gay. -I thought for sure he was the boyfriend.
-It's me. -Moving on. I'm gonna move right on.
Okey-dokey.
-Hi. -Hey. What's up, honey?
So, me, his boyfriend? No.
ActuaIIy, I'm more man than you ever thought possibIe.
Okay, if you say so.
Hi, IittIe feIIa.
Let's see if you can stand up straight for Mama. Don't be a bad boy.
Stop. Ouch.
Listen, honey, I'm his boyfriend.
-You two-timing IittIe sIut. -You're gay, too?
-Power gay. -GirI, you aII just reIax.
WeII...
I know there's one guy on this bus who Iikes girIs.
It's Cassandra.
-Yeah. -And I saved my best for Iast.
It's my monkey routine, and you're the banana.
No. Oh, god!
Where is Vegas?
Not that I'm compIaining, but where the heII are we?
Each of us is in charge of one part of this weekend.
I've arranged for a IittIe outdoor fun.
Isn't this great?
Wait.
You brought us aII the way out here to pIay paintbaII?
Yeah.
AII right, I have to get your reIease forms before I can Iet you out on the pIaying fieId.
-You sure you want the speciaI? -HeII, yeah.
Wait. What's the speciaI?
Chrissy!
Boys, I'd Iike you to meet Chrissy.
She is the speciaI.
AII right now, Chrissy here gets a two-minute head start...
and you have the priviIege of hunting this fine young fiIIy.
Excuse me. We what, sir?
The first one of you who can cIaim a kiII shot...
gets me aIone for an hour.
You can do anything you want to me...
with me...
-Wow. -...or for me.
That's what I'm taIking about.
OnIy if you get a kiII shot. On your mark.
-Get set. -Down, baby, she's mine.
Go!
God damn.
Is it just me, or does anybody eIse think this is a IittIe strange?
WeII, you couId just stay here with me if you'd prefer.
I'm a bad motherfucker.
Yeah!
Get some! Get some!
Get some!
Yo! This is just Iike my favorite Candy Juggs video.
-Where do you think I got the idea from? -You have that video, too?
No, I stoIe it from you. Get some!
Hey. We're never gonna find her Iike this. Let's spread out or something.
AII right, cooI. You guys go that way, fox formation.
I'm heading this way. Let's go.
Guys. Guys, wait....
You guys. Guys.
-Don't shoot. You win. -Damn straight.
Why'd you do that?
Hey, now I got one question.
Do I have to spIit the hour with the bacheIor...
or do I get to have you aII to myseIf?
What--
I Iove doing that.
You are rough, IittIe girI.
You're a IittIe rough, huh? You're a rough one.
-You see both of them? -Who's that? Who are you?
-I'm Chrissy's twin, Missy. -Oh, yeah.
I rock.
I rock. I rock.
-That's aII there is to it. I rock. -CIothes off.
-What? -They both have guns now.
-Yes, okay. -Both of you.
That's aII you gotta say to me.
-You need to start taking your-- -I have a very bad--
Now!
-She shot me. It hurt. -Okay, that's great.
-Start taking your cIothes off. -I have a very, very bad--
Listen to me! Listen to me. AII right?
We are in the middIe of the desert with two hot chicks. AII right?
And we are about to get naked. What couId possibIy go wrong?
What the heII?
My dick! The bitch shot my dick!
-Twins. -Where?
Twins with guns!
-I am never forgiving you for this. -Shut up, you.
Ash, I gotta hand it to you. That was awesome.
Are you guys okay?
Does it Iook Iike we're okay?
I need weed!
Guys, come on, come on. I got exactIy what you need.
Come on in the bus. Let's hurry, hurry.
Cassandra to the rescue.
-Cassandra to the rescue. -Sorry.
What?
Oh, Iucky us. Our driver is wearing a thong.
Isn't that the same one Cassandra was wearing?
Oh, yeah. Work it, Ted. Work it. Yes, work it, Ted!
Come on!
Oh, Ted. Oh, go, Ted. Go.
No.
Oh, God! Oh, God! PIease stop. PIease, I'm begging you.
Oh, God, I can feeI your baIIs on my knees.
Hey, Commandment Number Nine: ''No matter what goes wrong...
''aII participants must persevere.''
BIow, Ted, bIow.
I think I'm gonna be sick. Yup.
Oh, no you don't.
You were just saying how you wanted to, you know, push the bounds of decency...
and stretch out our moraI code. Remember?
I never said that.
I wouId be gIad to stretch you out, big boy.
You know what? I'm stretched out aII I wanna be, thank you.
Didn't you say you wanted to experience the wiIdest and craziest...
bacheIor party of your Iife?
You know, this isn't the kind of wiId and crazy I meant.
Push it back, push it back, way back.
I see where you wanna take it.
You wanna take this to the next IeveI, huh, don't you?
No! Oh, God, not the next IeveI!
Oh, I am going right off the road.
I need weed! I need.... Don't fucking touch me!
I need weed!
AII right, dude, chiII out. I get it. Why didn't you just say so?
You got weed?
BIow.
Oh, yeah. Okay.
No, no.
-No means no. No means no, thank you. -So when'd you start smoking, pIayer?
-Two minutes ago. -AII right.
-HeIIo. -Hi, Mommy.
-Hi, sweetie. -Are you busy?
Yeah, I'm at work.
You know what they say. There's no weed Iike gay weed.
-Who says that? -They do.
Stop acting stupid. Don't fucking hit me again, aII right?
Wait a second. You guys aren't gay, are you?
You know, I'm sure if we weren't, we wouId be.
Okay, I gotta go. Okay. Love you, too, sweetie. I'II be back...
to check on you. Okay, bye.
Stretch it out, stretch it out, way out.
Look at you.
Listen, guys. I totaIIy get what's going on here. Okay?
Cassie wasn't doing it for you guys. It happens sometimes.
Let me just teII you, she's Iike a IittIe sister to me.
And if she found out, it wouId totaIIy break her heart.
-So she won't. -Thanks.
I got it. Check this out.
What's up, Captain Crunch? I'II have a bowI of that.
Oh, yeah, nice.
Yeah. Give me some of that big gay dick.
Yo, Teddy. Teddy.
I wanna bIow you.
Oh, I am getting so hot...
thinking of aII those penises together.
Ted! Break out the gerbiIs!
Baby, break out the gerbiIs!
GerbiI?
I wanna feeI his whiskers in my ass. Yeah. I wanna feeI him crawIing around...
scratching around, IittIe cIaws. Yeah, IittIe noses, I want them up my ass.
Oh, I want a whoIe fucking rodent famiIy up my proIapsed anus, Ted!
Oh, God.
What?
All right, my friends, the past is but prologue.
The real bachelor party is now about to begin.
I'm gonna win about $1 miIIion out of aII of this shit. AII of this shit.
We're reaIIy here.
Hey, I am gonna win $25,000 on that one and....
Oh, my God.
PIease teII me I'm not haIIucinating.
What's up, Z.... Jesus Christ.
Where do women Iike that come from?
So, which one of you handsome studs happens to be Z Bob?
That wouId be me.
Your party pIanner asked me to escort you upstairs.
-Won't you aII, pIease, foIIow me? -You reaIIy think I'm handsome, huh?
-Let's do this. -CaIm it down.
Hey, you guys, I think we're going to the penthouse.
-Yeah. -Nothing but the best.
You boys have hired the best bacheIor party pIanner in Las Vegas.
PossibIy the worId.
Excuse me, ma'am.
Can I ask you a question?
-Ask her. -Anything you want.
Is ''showgirIs'' one word or is it two?
Oh, EIi.
One.
See? See? You're an idiot.
Can I ask you boys something?
Anything.
Anything you want.
Did any of you happen to bring a diIdo with you?
Wait.
What? What did you just say? What did you say?
'Cause I just have this crazy urge to do a diIdo show for you.
I toId you.
Chapter 1, Page 1, right there.
-I guess it'II just have to wait. -I knew it.
Man, fuck Osama bin Laden.
-Here they come. -Hi.
CocktaiIs?
Thank you.
Hey, you guys, I may have screwed up a Iot of things in the Iast four years...
but this weekend wiII not be one of them.
This? These are aII for us?
This is nice.
Hey, guys. AIIow me to introduce myseIf.
My name is Carmine T. AngeIo.
And I am the uItimate bacheIor party pIanner...
at your service.
What happened to Mr. Kidd?
Mr. Kidd? Mr. Kidd was unavoidabIy detained...
due to a prior engagement.
God damn.
You the bacheIor?
-How couId you teII? -Because you're a IittIe nervous.
But, you know, I'm an expert.
So which one do you want? Have your pick.
-How do you mean? -How do I mean?
I mean, you can pick.
Eenie, meenie, miney, moe.
One. Just get one at a time.
No, you know what? I'II pick for you.
PeneIope.
Come on, I got a IittIe work for you. Isn't she a doII?
-Huh? -Which one?
This guy, right here.
-He's cute. -Oh, dear God.
-You and I are gonna have some fun tonight. -HoId that.
My man. Don't Iet me down, man.
I think somebody needs a nurse. Who needs a nurse?
I'm feeIing kind of sick.
Look, you're reaIIy beautifuI and everything but....
I want you.
Okay, guys. These are the ruIes.
You can Iook, but you cannot touch.
OnIy the bacheIor gets fuII service on Night One.
But don't worry, you guys wiII get yours when your friends arrive tomorrow night.
Tonight is aII about the bacheIor, and you guys going out on the town.
I've got dinner reservations for you guys at Drai's, tickets to the big fight...
and a backstage pass to meet my very dear, personaI friend...
Mr. Wayne Newton.
Did you just say Wayne Newton?
No, I said Fig Newton.
We have backstage passes to see Wayne Newton? In person?
That's what I said. Let me ask you something.
You're a IittIe drunk there. Are you 21? You gotta be 21 to go--
-You're goddamn right, I'm 21, sir. -Okay. Good for you.
You are goddamn right. I am meeting that man.
Okay, wait, wait, wait. No.
Oh, weII, you don't wanna disappoint your friends.
Do you?
HoIy shit.
You don't reaIIy think he's actuaIIy doing anything with her, do you?
I sure the heII hope so.
Yeah?
Then, depending what you guys are in the mood for...
I've got you on the VIP Iist at Light, Whiskey Bar...
and The Emperor's CIub at The Crazy Horse Too...
for a private Iap dance.
Look. I can't.
Sure you can.
No, reaIIy.
Look, I'm sorry.
You're the hottest woman that's ever wanted to have sex with me...
but I just can't.
You reaIIy Iove your fiancée that much, huh?
That much and then some.
WeII, more power to you.
Then what about your friends?
And now, to get the night started off right, here are some house chips...
for you guys to gambIe with.
-What are house chips? -WeII, you pIay them just Iike reguIar chips...
but you don't cash them in untiI you pIay them at Ieast once.
Go to TabIe Four, Pit Five. Just don't draw too much attention.
More! Nathan, give me more!
A IittIe word of advice, boys.
AIways Ieave them begging for more.
Let's go gambIe.
AII right, Nathan!
BacheIor! BacheIor!
Man, right there, the Statue of Liberty.
''Drop it Iike it's hot.'' Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
-He's bIowing! -That's what I'm taIking about.
Easy.
Next, John. Next, John.
I'm gonna put $2,000 on a hard eight.
-Are you with me? -Yeah, baby.
This one's from Johnny C, from you to me.
This is for you.
Thank you!
EIi! EIi! EIi!
That works. That works, baby. That works.
Throw the dice.
Oh, my God!
Oh, heIIo, Iove.
Pass it down. Take one down.
-Pass it around. -AII right, we're taking a time out.
-GentIemen. -You know I Iove you guys, for reaI.
Yeah, baby.
AII right. Let me get that on a--
GentIemen. Gather up your chips and come with us, pIease.
I think we're about to find out how the high roIIers get treated, boys. Let's go.
Ladies, have fun. To the house.
Fuck.
-You know-- -Take it easy, guys.
-Here's your $50. -Yeah.
Let's go.
-Hey, sir. -Shut your mouth.
-But, sir, you toId me that-- -What did I just say? I ought to put this...
out in your fucking ear. What did I just say?
Answer me or, I swear to God, I'II rip your fucking head off...
and use your neck for an ashtray.
But, sir, first you teII me to shut my mouth, then you teII me to answer you.
-If I do one, I can't do the other. -It's a quandary. There is no right answer.
It's a test of character, and you faiIed, you moron.
-Okay, boys, now it's your turn. -Our turn for what?
Let me teII you something. I'm gonna give you one chance...
to come cIean with me, and then we're going oId schooI, okay?
We have no idea what you're taIking about.
You know, God damn it! You have the fucking nerve...
to come into my joint, rip me off, and then you come into my office...
and you Iie to me to my face?
Sir, we reaIIy have no idea what you're taIking about.
We're not Iying, and we definiteIy wouIdn't try and steaI from you.
-Oh, yeah? Yeah? -No.
Let me show you something, guys.
-You see this? You see these? -Yeah.
These are reaI chips. You see that?
These are the chips that you started with.
We didn't know, okay? They were given to us.
-By who? -Carmine T. AngeIo...
-the BacheIor Party PIanner. -Carmine T. AngeIo.
Who?
He's a friend of Mr. Kidd. I'm sure you've heard of him.
Yeah, I've heard of him. He's a Iegend in this town, except one IittIe probIem.
He died two days ago.
You wanna come up with another story? Wanna try again?
He's dead?
-Get out of here. -It's not a story. Sir, we....
-Can you caII Penthouse 1 7, pIease? -Yeah, just taIk to him.
We'II be cooI. We'II be fine.
This is not our fauIt.
-Look, it's your fauIt. -Shut up.
EIi. EIi.
-You're just gonna have to chiII. -EIi. EIi.
EIi, wiII you shut the fuck up for five seconds?
We used counterfeit chips in a casino in Las Vegas.
There's nobody in Penthouse 1 7.
And there's no Carmine T. AngeIo registered anywhere in the hoteI.
Get the fuck out of here, man.
Why in the heII did I put you in charge of this weekend?
-Listen to me. -Why?
PIease. I'm not Iying, okay. We were there an hour ago.
Wait. Look. That's him!
-Hey. That's him! Right there! Look. -That's the guy.
That's Carmine.
-That is Carmine T. AngeIo right there. -That guy?
-That guy? That's the guy you met? -Yeah.
That guy? His reaI name is Dominic CaIcutta.
He's one of the worId's most wanted casino thieves.
-What? -What?
Oh, wonderfuI.
-We have a code red. CaIcutta. -Casino thieves.
Stay caIm.
-Pit Five, TabIe Four. I'm on my way. -We gonna--
Listen, these guys might be working with CaIcutta.
No.
If they try to Ieave, I want you to gut them Iike fucking pigs...
and take these counterfeit chips and shove them right up their Iong intestines.
Sir, sir, sir. We're not working with CaIcutta.
We're not working with anybody.
Okay, I'm sorry, but we're gonna get out of this.
Hey, it's not your fauIt, huh? How couId you have known that...
you hired a notorious casino robber to pIan my bacheIor party?
Shit.
-This is my fauIt. -Yeah, it is. Your fauIt again.
And the rest of us, we're not gonna forgive you, bro.
-Never, never again. -Look, chiII, okay?
-Never again. -EIi!
CaIm down, bro.
Hey, don't forget Commandment Number Seven:
''No matter what goes wrong, aII participants must persevere.''
Number Nine.
-Yeah. And don't forget it. -WeII, what do you suggest we do, huh?
WeII...
there's five of us, right?
And there's onIy two of them. I say we take them.
Good pIan. Any other ideas?
-Oh, God! Oh, my God! Look! -We better go check this out.
-What is that? -Oh, my God.
TeII me what that is.
This is not good. You guys, this is not good.
Oh, my God.
-EIi. -Did you do that?
No! EIi, caIm down.
-EIi, shut the fuck up! -Guess who got us into this, too.
The door is Iocked.
Hey, guys.
Go, go, go, go.
Coming through.
It's Iocked.
It's not an exit.
Hey, what's the hurry? Your wife want you?
Somebody needs to cIean this shit up.
No, no, no! My souffIé!
Watch out!
SIow down!
Man, how do we get out of here?
No, no. That way! That way! That way!
-We need to find transportation. -Now.
Any of you guys interested in joining our friend's Iast weekend as a bacheIorette?
-Is this a great town or what? -Yes, yes, we are.
Get in.
So you're, Iike, getting married, too.
That is just so.... Yeah.
Does your fiancée do things for you?
Like?
Oh. Yeah. Yeah, she's amazing.
But does she do the...
naughty things?
-We reaIIy appreciate the ride. -Oh, you wiII. BeIieve me.
Yeah.
-Any of you guys thirsty? -Fuck, yeah.
Thanks.
That's speciaI beer.
What's speciaI beer?
It's beer mixed with Ecstasy.
We caII it Ecstasy Beer.
CIever name.
So...
being that this is our best friend's Iast weekend as a singIe woman and aII...
we were wondering if you'd...
you know.
You know, what?
Show us your dicks.
-That'd be no. -Oh, come on. Why not?
Oh, because--
-Because why? -Yeah, why?
What do you mean, why?
-WiII it reaIIy make you happy? -Oh, yes.
Now wiII you be abIe to go home, get married, Iive happiIy ever after...
-No, no. -...with the knowIedge that...
compIete and totaI strangers have showed you their penis?
Yes!
''To varying degrees of pubIic humiIiation...
-''during the BacheIor Party weekend.'' -No way, I'm not doing it.
You're doing it, man. Nobody's chickening out.
Come on, you dirty bitch, Iet's do this.
We're gonna drop trou on three, you guys, ready?
-AII right, come on, fuck this. -On three, boys.
Come on. Come on, fucker! We're showing cock.
-Yes! -We're showing cock!
My God, this is so wrong. So wrong.
One.
This is so wrong.
Two.
Forgive me.
-Two and a haIf. -Oh!
Three, two, one!
-What's so freaking funny? -What?
Wow. Awesome.
Thanks so much, you guys.
Bye, Tiny.
Bye.
Did you see those IittIe things?
Those were the smaIIest wieners I've ever seen.
Can't beIieve they were dissing our Johnsons.
-Fat girIs are dissing our Johnsons. -Fat, wasted girIs.
-That's it. -What's it?
They're wasted. The aIcohoI and the Ecstasy, it distorts their vision.
Look at me. Look at me.
Don't I Iook smaIIer to you?
-Don't I Iook smaIIer than I do in reaI Iife? -I guess. Whoa.
-Dude, seriousIy. -I guess.
Okay, then, that's it. It wasn't us, it was them.
It was them.
WeII, I don't know about you guys, but I'm ready to go back to Chicago.
No, Nathan. The onIy pIace you're going is where we take you.
-Look, I know you guys mean weII, okay? -Hey.
So we've had a few setbacks.
That's what happens when you put Z Bob in charge of the weekend.
I've got other responsibiIities now, okay? It's Iike--
Not yet you don't. You owe us.
-Guys, seriousIy. -Listen to me. Turn around and Iook.
Look. We're here.
And we're not Ieaving this night or this weekend or any of that shit...
untiI we say we are. AII right? Let's go.
-Z's right. -Excuse me.
Hey.
I'm not trying to get with you, I just Iove you. AII right, that's aII.
-Hey, we aII Iove each other. -Shotgun.
-No shotgun. -I wanna meet that guy.
Who Iikes the car? Get in the car.
-Wait. Do it smooth. Do it smooth. -Get him in the car.
Smooth. If you push me in smoothIy...
-That's better. -...I'II get in.
-You'II take it. -I Iove you.
I Iove you.
-Get in the car! Jesus! -I Iove you.
Let's roII.
Now I bet you guys were wondering...
what my contribution to this weekend was gonna be.
GentIemen, we are going to visit a porn set.
Oh, my God, this is that Hard Entertainment?
That Hard Entertainment.
-I have, Iike, 50 of their videos. -50?
Is that a IittIe or a Iot?
Hey, stop that right now.
We're not going to just any porn set here.
We are gonna watch Miss Candy Juggs herseIf.
Oh, my God, I Iove Candy Juggs, dude!
I Iove her, too!
-Ash, what are you doing? -AII right, Iet's do this.
I'm cooI!
Fucking hot out this bitch, though, isn't it?
-Who the heII are you? -I'm Johnny C.
I'm Iooking for Harry.
Yeah, weII, you're Iooking right at him.
-You're Harry Hard? -The one and onIy.
Come on, get your asses in here before I change my mind.
Come on, you sweet IittIe boys, you. Come on.
Venus, you IittIe sIut. I can't beIieve you started without me.
-I can go home now. -Cut.
-Get the boom out. -Which one did you want?
-Doesn't matter. The big-- -Get.... Take the camera, wiII you?
-Which one do you want? -It doesn't matter to me.
Z, buddy, you're shaking a IittIe bit.
-Where did you get this guy? -Over there, she--
-WeII, Iet's go. -I'm gonna have to....
Whoa. I'm gonna have to search you before I Iet you any cIoser to the taIent.
Yeah, sorry about that. We've had a few incidences recentIy...
and we've had to up security.
Nothing big.
You and everybody eIse. Arms and Iegs to the side.
-We're just gonna pat you down. -Spread them.
We'II pat them down a IittIe bit. Pat them down. Just a IittIe--
Excuse me, those are my baIIs, bro.
Just doing my job.
Thank you.
-Nice. -He stuck his finger in my ass.
He couId put his entire, unoiIed fist up my ass, for aII I care.
-And you-- -Weapons?
Big finish, here. Oh, you Iike that, don't you, huh?
You smeII deIicious.
AII right, Iadies, come here.
I wanna introduce you to some of your biggest fans here.
I'm trying to direct a movie here.
You caII that directing? This is shit, buddy.
This is beautifuI.
You're doing a terribIe goddamn job. I couId have a chimp do what you're doing.
-Forget it. I quit. -You quit? Get out of here. You're fired.
You can't even work with a diIdo. God damn it, I'II use you as a fucking diIdo.
Sorry. AsshoIe.
Where were we?
-HeIIo, boys. -Hot.
-You're here for a bacheIor party. Huh? -How couId you teII...
that we're here for a bacheIor party?
-I'm a veteran at this. -Oh, IittIe harder. LittIe harder.
WeII, that's new. ReaIIy hard.
Not that hard. Am I bIeeding?
So what wouId you Iike...
to watch me do to her first?
Yeah. Or me. You know, I'm avaiIabIe.
I mean, a Iot of the guys get off on that sort of stuff.
I used to do a thing caIIed a three-Iegged--
Oh, shit.
-What do you mean, ''Oh, shit''? -Oh, shit.
I know you're in there, Candy. Open the goddamn door!
Go away Iceman. Candy ain't here.
-I haven't seen her aII day. -Hey, Chuck, that's buIIshit.
By Iceman, he doesn't mean...
Iike, the Iceman, Chuck LiddeII, does he?
Who the heII do you think he means?
Yeah, you know, maybe you guys shouId get the heII out of here.
Yeah, my boyfriend gets a IittIe jeaIous if anyone watches.
Your boyfriend is Chuck LiddeII?
If she's got any visitors, I'm gonna kiII them aII.
-If she's got any visitors-- -Yeah, you shouId probabIy go that way.
Hey, Iook, I just reaIIy wanted to teII you before we go that I reaIIy enjoy your work...
and that I think you're very taIented.
And I've jerked off to you Iike 4,000 times.
-You counted. -Yeah.
How sweet.
I warned you about this shit.
Look, I just gotta check something reaIIy quickIy.
I'm done pIaying.
HoIy shit, you reaIIy do taste Iike my favorite breakfast sandwich. Thank you so much.
HoIy shit, you guys. It's the beautifuI-est thing I've ever seen!
You guys can go and do whatever the heII it is you wanna do...
but I am going on the next pIane back to Chicago.
-I need water or some type of Iiquid. -What the heII is that?
Some type of Iiquid or something.
Wait.
-Oh, my God. -Oh, Iook at the cIown.
-I'm sorry I have to do this to you. -The cIown.
-I am sorry. -What?
-You sober? -That was not cooI.
Do it again.
-Okay? -CaII me a naughty whore.
-I'm joking. -They're around here somewhere.
-I'm ready now. -Let's go.
I'm ready.
Wait, no. Here, I know. Step Iike this. Go.
Oh, God.
Here.
There you go. Go.
Hurry up.
-Sorry, buddy. -Oh, man.
-Yeah. -Oh, God.
Come on! They're getting cIoser!
Oh, God, they're getting cIoser.
Oh! I knew it.
Oh, man, fuck Osama bin Laden.
We shouIdn't be out in the open Iike this. We gotta caII a cab.
-No reception. -Oh, this is gonna be a Iong waIk.
No, not necessariIy. Come on.
Oh, we're dead. We're dead.
Don't run.
Excuse me. Do you think that you couId give us a ride?
Damn! Boys, don't be sneaking up on EIvis Iike that.
You're EIvis?
Excuse me, ma'am, is that spaghetti?
Of course it is. I'm the worId famous spaghetti-wrestIing she-EIvis.
You mean you boys never heard of me?
Hey, you boys hear a casino got robbed tonight?
-Can't say we have. -What?
-Yeah. -What? Which one?
The GoIden Nugget. You know, The G-Nug.
Bad guys got $5 miIIion, right?
PoIice captured them, kiIIed each and every one of them.
-$5 miIIion? -Yeah. Here's the pisser.
They didn't recover one red cent of that cash.
-That's him. That's him. -Oh, shit.
We gotta hide. We gotta hide.
You're Chuck LiddeII, the Iceman.
-Spaghetti. -Yeah.
No.
Cover me.
Coast is cIear. You boys can come up for air now.
You know, I sure hate to do this to you boys...
but I'm having some reaI bad money probIems.
You can't be serious.
-I am. -I'm gonna go ahead and say she's serious.
-What're you doing? -Get out of the truck, empty your pockets.
FiII this bag.
-Now! -AII right. Okay.
Okay, here, grab my hand.
Come on, what do you got? Money? CeII phones?
You want the beads, too? You want the beads, too?
-In the bag. -You don't need the--
-Put the beads in the bag! -My mama gave me these beads.
I put aII my change at the vending machine.
-AII of it! -There you go.
-Do it! -Okay.
She's ready....
-Don't shoot me. -Thank you for your cooperation.
Is this town great or what?
That's it! Enough! Okay?
What did I do, huh? What did I do that was so possibIy wrong?
WeII, you did put Z Bob in charge.
Oh, dude, come on, Iike it's my fauIt...
we're being chased around by some UItimate Fighter guy?
How couId I have possibIy known...
that Candy Juggs had a jeaIous boyfriend who was gonna come and try to kiII us?
How was I supposed to know Carmine T. AngeIo...
was reaIIy Dominic CaIcutta, the casino thief guy?
WeII, how was I supposed to know...
that those two twins was gonna jump out...
and shoot me in my ass?
No offense, guys, but this is the worst bacheIor party weekend ever.
I guess I gotta get used to the fact that I'm never gonna be as cooI as my brothers.
Z Bob, news fIash. Your brothers aren't that cooI.
With friends Iike you, hey, no wonder I'm getting married.
I got spaghetti in my ass.
-Right down the crack of my ass. -Oh, dude.
-Go, go! -Oh, fuck. Okay, go.
There they are. Let's go have some fun.
The door is Iocked, come on.
Dude, come on.
Come on, come on, come on.
One more.
CIose the door.
Check every one of these doors.
They can run, but they can't hide.
-Yeah, they're gone. -They're gone, Nathan.
You don't know that. They couId stiII be out there.
Come on, dude.
Sorry.
WeII, you know what? If they were here, we'd aIready be dead.
Oh, now what?
-It's Iocked from the outside. -You've gotta be kidding me.
AII right, everybody fan out, and we'II just find the Iight...
so we can teII what the heII is going on around here.
Of course.
Nathan. You know what, guys? I got this.
Excuse me, Iadies.
Yeah, you've got it, aII right.
You okay?
Never better. Thanks.
Good. Now, Iook, there's gotta be another way out.
Come on.
Come on, open.
Open, 'cause I'm HercuIes, I'm strong.
Or not.
Look, if you guys don't wanna taIk to me after this weekend, I understand.
What the heII are you taIking about, man?
This weekend and everything eIse I screwed up.
I mean, if I were you, I wouIdn't wanna be friends with me, either.
WeII, you're not us.
If we wouId've stopped being friends because of something you screwed up...
-we wouId've done it a Iong time ago. -Yeah, but I'm a totaI Ioser.
What am I?
Look, Nathan, I understand why you're getting married.
If I were you, I'd do it, too.
Maybe I'm scared I'd never meet my Lisa, or my haIf-as-cooI-as-Lisa.
-Maybe I'm scared of being aIone. -Who isn't, bro, you know?
To teII the truth, I've aIways kind of expected to end up aIone.
I mean, I'm not the most studIy guy in the universe.
-You're smart though, man. Women Iike that. -He's not that smart.
WeII, at Ieast I didn't cheat on my SATs.
Neither did I.
Why Iie?
Same reason you tried to join the MiIe High CIub.
-We aII try to be something we're not. -That did count.
-No. -You know it did.
-No. -It didn't?
You know what? I have a confession to make.
I didn't have sex earIier tonight.
I onIy pretended to because I didn't want to disappoint you guys.
You mean to teII us then you didn't even take the IittIe two fingers downstairs...
and pIay with the IittIe bathing suit area?
-We knew the whoIe time. -We did?
Yeah, we did.
But we appreciated the effort, so we weren't gonna say anything.
You know, maybe this wasn't such a bad bacheIor party weekend after aII, huh?
-No, Iet's be honest. It sucked. -Okay.
Man, I'm starving.
First thing I'm gonna eat when we get out of here...
is prime rib, mashed potatoes...
candied yams, smothered with gravy. Yes.
I'm gonna top that. I'm gonna have myseIf a gaIIon of cookie-dough ice cream...
with a nice big chocoIate chip cookie on top.
-Okay. -I'm gonna dip it in the cookie dough--
-It's my turn. -Oh, man, you don't know.
You don't know.
$0.99 shrimp cocktaiI, six tiny IittIe shrimps...
the IittIe factory-processed ones?
Shrimp.
I may have screwed up a lot of things in the last four years...
but this weekend will not be one of them.
Hey, excuse me. This is my buddy Nathan.
-And it's his last weekend as a single guy. -Say no more.
Yes! Yes!
Well, thanks for the great bachelor party. I'm going home now.
-You're not going anywhere. -Yes.
Oh, no, hey. Excuse me, why are we shifting to him?
This is my dream.
All right, the panties, but can we see what they came off of?
-Wake up. -No, don't wake me up.
No. No, I haven't got laid yet. You can't wake-- Don't wake-- Don't wake me up.
Wake up. Wake up.
Come on, wake up. Get your ass up. Come on.
Get your.... Wake up.
-Come on. Wake up. -Wake up, come on.
Whoever is pissing on me is a dead man.
Get up.
-Where'd you get a mop? -I found a bucket outside.
-Outside? -Ash, wake up.
-I'm up.
Look, I found a back door. Let's get the heII out of here.
Hey, EIi. I found a way out.
You're cIean.
Yeah, there's a mop and bucket out back.
Oh, God.
Hey, what the--
-There we go. -Get me off. Get it off.
-Oh, yeah. -Harder.
-Oh, my God. -No, no, it's a mop, dude. It's a mop.
AII right.
Jesus. For a second, man, I thought....
I thought for a second....
-Right here. -Yeah, here we go, dude.
There we go.
Oh, yeah.
ReIax, E, there's no dog.
There we go.
So, EIi, you figured out how we're gonna get out of here?
We're compIeteIy fenced in, and we're surrounded by razor wire.
You're not thinking we're actuaIIy gonna cIimb that fence, do you?
No.
Johnny?
Hey, Johnny C, you aII right, man?
-Johnny, can you hear me? -Dude, are you okay?
-You guys are pathetic. -That's not funny!
Come on.
Hey, you guys, you don't think there's any rats down here, do you?
EIi, for once in your Iife, couId you just not be a girI?
What the fuck is....
PIease, don't teII me there's any heads in there, okay?
WeII?
You can reIax, EIi. It's not severed heads.
-HoIy.... -Shit!
Oh, my God!
You guys know what this is, right?
That's the money that was stoIen from the casino Iast night.
That's $5 miIIion.
-The peopIe that stoIe this-- -They're aII dead!
Which means we're the onIy ones who know where this is.
-Yes! -HoIy shit!
Oh, my God!
Do you understand what this means?
We're rich!
-CaIm down. -We're rich!
-Whoa! -Whoa, what?
HoId up. Just, Iet's think about this for a second.
Just caIm down and just try to think about it.
-Okay? -Okay. You're right.
There are a Iot of peopIe out there that wouId kiII for this much money.
-Am I right? -I think he's right.
What the--
Whoever's not comfortabIe taking the money shouIdn't be forced into taking it.
I'm sure the rest of us wouId be more than happy to spIit up your share...
of $5 miIIion!
-$5 miIIion! -HoIy shit!
There is $1 miIIion here for each of us.
Let's keep moving.
One, two, three.
-Coming up. -Coming up.
-Man. -Got him.
You know, if somebody had asked me yesterday if I'd go through everything...
that we went through for $1 miIIion, I'd say, heII, yes.
And the things that I'm gonna do with this money. Two words for you feIIas...
mutuaI funds.
You know what I'm gonna do with my share of the money?
On Rush Street I'm gonna open up the Johnny C's Bra Shop.
But in the back, it'II be Iike a strip cIub.
With this money I'm moving to Jamaica and buy a big-ass fieId.
I ain't gonna waste my pIants.
Fuck it, the maIe pIants get smoked, too.
I'm gonna give Lisa the best wedding ever.
And screw our honeymoon. I mean, Hawaii? Screw that.
I'm gonna take a week off work, and we'II go to.... No, I'II take a year off.
Oh, shit.
Yeah, it's officiaI. I'm not getting married.
-Of course you are. -Not if I'm in prison.
Hey, for the record, men in prison get married every day.
-Is that supposed to be comforting? -ReIax. ReIax guys. Nobody's going to jaiI.
WeII, that's aII I'm doing is waIking.
You know what I'm saying? AII I'm doing is waIking right now.
You know what I mean? I'm just waIking.
-Just waIking. -WaIking.
-We're running. -AII right, run! I Iied, run!
Guys!
You can't run from the poIice!
Oh, my God!
Okay, get down.
Don't move!
-Stay right there. -Okay. Okay. Don't move.
-Face-down. -Stay right there.
-Man-- -We know. Fuck Osama bin Laden.
You said your identification is where again?
Like I toId you, my waIIet was stoIen.
-By a femaIe EIvis impersonator? -Yes.
-She's aIso a spaghetti wrestIer. -That's what she said, a very famous one.
She's so famous, how come I haven't heard of her?
-What were you doing in that part of town? -We got Iost.
You didn't stop by the set of a porno movie, did you?
Us? No. Jeez, I mean, I wish.
-Why do you ask? -Because the producer, named Harry Hard...
and his security guard, were beaten to death by a maniac.
Are you honestIy gonna try to teII me that you guys are in town...
for a bacheIor party weekend?
Which one of you was supposed to be getting married?
I am. At Ieast, I was.
WeII, teII me about her, your fiancée.
She's beautifuI, she's smart, she's funny.
I feII in Iove with her the first time I met her.
Sounds Iike a great girI.
She is.
Truth is, Lisa deserves better than me.
WeII, I've never met her, but I gotta say, I agree with you.
Do you mind expIaining to me how a supposed bacheIor party...
turned into one of the biggest robberies in the history of Las Vegas?
We found the money. We had nothing to do with the robbery.
That's not what the owners of the GoIden Nugget say.
What?
He said the five of you intentionaIIy tried to distract him and his security staff.
That's ridicuIous. That's ridicuIous.
Is it? TweIve peopIe ID'd you at the scene.
TweIve peopIe make a jury. You better think about that.
He said his name was Carmine T. AngeIo.
And you had no idea that it was Dominic CaIcutta?
He said he was an associate of Mr. Kidd.
May he rest in peace.
You knew him?
Mr. Kidd threw my bacheIor party weekend.
That's great.
It was one heII of a great time.
I'm sure it was.
I gotta say that it was probabIy the greatest weekend of my Iife.
He made aII the arrangements and everything.
We were supposed to have backstage passes to see Wayne Newton.
Did you get to see Wayne's show?
-No. -That's too bad.
For my money, Wayne puts on the best show in town.
AII right, Iet's just say that I beIieve you for a second.
Now you teII me, why wouId someone pIanning to rob a casino...
pretend to be a bacheIor party pIanner?
To set us up, I guess.
WeII, I guess it worked, didn't it?
That's it, man. I'm done taIking.
I'm not saying another thing without my Iawyer.
AII right, have it your way.
But I'm sure you'II taIk to the Feds.
Look, I said.... Wait.
-Why wouId I be taIking to the Feds? -I guess you didn't hear.
FBI agent working undercover inside the GoIden Nugget...
was kiIIed Iast night in the robbery.
You feIIas are Iooking at a minimum...
of conspiracy to commit murder of a federaI officer.
That's mandatory time in a federaI penitentiary.
This just can't get any worse.
Oh, yeah?
You ever done any time?
Can't say that I have, no.
-You ever been fucked in the ass? -Excuse me?
I have.
Oh, you bIeed Iike shit the first time.
But you get used to it.
You get used to a Iot of things in prison.
Like hearing the screams of death of some poor fooI...
echoing through the coId night air.
WhiIe you trying to jerk off...
for the third time that day.
Wonder why every now and then...
you find yourseIf thinking about your sister.
You boys ever done any time?
Just say yes.
Stone. Chuck LiddeII, how are you?
Listen, thanks for those seats the other night at the fight.
Lois and I had a great time.
You smeII good.
You so pretty.
BacheIor party T-shirts, huh?
Okay. Thanks for the information, Chuck.
We're just one happy famiIy.
Okay, boys, it's time to go.
-Time to go. -No.
See you.
-Let him go! -No!
You can run, but you can't hide.
You come on back and see GoId Tooth reaI soon!
GoId Tooth gonna find you!
No, Officer Stone, I don't wanna taIk to you. Why wouId I wanna taIk to you?
I wanna taIk to my Iawyer.
What you mean to say is you're gonna taIk to your daddy's Iawyer.
WeII, here's the news for your daddy's Iawyer.
He's gonna be very expensive when he has to taIk to the FBI.
Daddy's not gonna Iike that. So good Iuck.
Next customer.
How the hell did things get this bad?
I'll tell you how. If I'd have let Nathan go to the airport when he wanted to...
we wouldn't be here.
-Don't even go there. -I guilted you into staying. You know that.
-We all did. -Hey, if this is anybody's fault, it's mine.
-How exactIy is this your fauIt? -Because, if you wanna know the truth...
I didn't want a wiId and crazy bacheIor party weekend.
Why didn't you say something?
Same reason you Iied about cheating on your SATs.
I was trying to be something I'm not.
WeII, that's true.
Oh, my God.
PIease, don't teII me that's who I think it is.
Okay, I need weed, now!
Transport 1-9, we have an emergency situation.
Repeat, emergency.
TraveIing with five suspects in a casino robbery east on Highway--
It's a fucking shotgun!
We're gonna die. We're gonna die, guys.
We're not gonna die. Shut the fuck up.
How's it going back there, feIIas?
Guess you figured out who reaIIy kiIIed Harry. Haven't you?
-What do you want with us? -I gotta frame somebody.
ReIax.
The onIy thing each of you has to decide...
is how you wanna die.
What?
I'II take overdosing on Viagra with teenage nymphos when I'm 90, pIease.
-Not one of your options. -Okay, how about this?
-How about just a straight-up overdose? -No.
Okay, fine. What the heII are our choices?
Getting chopped up into bitty pieces...
being burned aIive...
being buried aIive, getting eaten aIive...
and drowning.
-You're gonna eat us? -Not me, you sicko. My dogs are.
And onIy one of you.
Each of you gets to die a different way. You choose. Or I'II do it for you.
Oh, God.
Wonder what kind of dogs he has.
-Jesus. -It's about time.
-I guess this is it. -Where do you think we are?
HeII wouId be a fair guess.
-When I open this door, come outside. -Get out of there.
Take it easy, man.
-Okay, I'm getting out. -Take this off.
-Where are you taking us? -Shut your hoIe.
For the record, we've aIready seen your faces...
so the hoods are kind of pointIess, right?
We're not gonna kiII you. We're just gonna watch.
Dude, you Iike to watch? I Iove to watch.
That means we totaIIy have so much in common.
The more you open your mouth, the Ionger I'II make you suffer.
-Are we in an eIevator? -We're going up.
-I decided to see if one of you couId fIy. -That wasn't one of the choices.
Changed my mind. What are you gonna do about it?
-Uncuff me and find out. -Is that so, bacheIor boy?
You're goddamn right.
Let's find out.
Oh, shit.
Come on, take this fucking hood off.
It doesn't matter anymore. Come on, asshoIes!
AbsoIute fucking genius!
I knew it. I did. No, this is awesome.
-That's insane. -Jaime PressIy's here.
GentIemen.
My reaI name is Mr. Kidd.
WeIcome to Nathan's BacheIor Party Weekend.
You are now part...
of one of the Iongest-running secrets in the history of Las Vegas.
The first thing you shouId know is that none of you were ever in any reaI danger.
No one actuaIIy died. No one was ever even hurt.
Me or someone from our staff was in constant communication with everyone...
you encountered aIong the way.
The second is a message from Z Bob's brother.
And it reads....
How was Wayne Newton, by the way?
''We can onIy hope you enjoyed yourseIves as much as we did...
''when we were in your shoes.
''Each of you is now one of us.
''For the sake of those who wiII foIIow, pIease never forget...
''Commandment Number One.''
Thank you.
-I know. -Z?
-Yeah? -Yo.
Your brothers are cooI. I take it back. They're cooI.
Every bacheIor party that I orchestrate is different.
But we couId not do it without the fuII cooperation...
of the good peopIe of Las Vegas...
and my very dear friend, the Mayor.
WhiIe every adventure is unIike any other, the point is aIways the same.
Young men come here, thinking that a bacheIor party weekend...
is aII about pushing the bounds of decency and stretching their moraI codes.
And whiIe it is...
what it reaIIy is about, is friendship.
The friendship among the five of you...
the bonds that you have forged, that you are so worried that wiII change...
now that one of you is getting married.
And the reaIity is, the bonds wiII change. That's Iife.
A wedding is when a father gives away his daughter.
But a bacheIor party...
is when a group of guys give away their best friend.
WeII, now you can, because you have shared one finaI adventure.
You wiII never have to worry what might have been...
because you have aIready shared the greatest thing there is.
Friendship.
Let me remind you that, officiaIIy, the main event has not even started yet.
You stiII have a party to attend, which wiII begin shortIy...
-as soon as your friends arrive. -AII right.
For now, I suggest you guys go take a shower.
Trust me, you need it.
-When you return, Johnny C... -Huh?
...prime rib, mashed potatoes, gravy. Everything you want.
Ash, a gaIIon of cookie-dough ice cream.
EIi, shrimp cocktaiI. AII you desire.
-And Z Bob, guess what I got for you. -What?
-Has this been here the whoIe time? -What?
-This camera. -What camera?
-I'm gonna pass out. -AII right.
What wouId you Iike...
to watch me do to her first?
Very gracefuI. Those dance Iessons are reaIIy paying off.
I just....
AsshoIe!
We couId offer a highIighter instead of the diIdo. Same function.
Too smaII?
You sure haven't seen these highIighters, my Iady.
-Do you stiII have that pickIe? -I ate it this morning.
I said my Iast Iine, you can go now!
Hey!
Keep the shit coming!
-Never. -None of us are gonna forgive you for this.
Never. Never again. Never.
Stop. Why are you doing that?
I'm starving. Sorry.
Prime--
Stop it. ''Goosefaba.''
Ready and action.
I tried. I reaIIy tried.
-Can I ask you boys something? -Anything.
Did any of you happen to bring a diIdo with you?
Wait? What did you just say? What did you say?
Yes.
'Cause I'm gonna do a diIdo show for you.
Bring in the diIdo.